Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dexter and Jude Law: Murder Kittens

Things you should know about the contents of my brain before reading this dream:
1) I love the show Dexter and usually watch the new episodes online on Monday, after they air on Sunday. Apparently last night I still had Dexter on the brain.
2) I watched a video yesterday of Jude Law on Sesame Street explaining the word "cling." I would very much like to cling to Jude Law.
3) I saw the movie Repo Men earlier in the year and quite liked it. There was a scene in the movie in during which Jude Law does some very manly and violent things while wearing a vest-o-knives. It made quite an impression on me. Ahem.
4) My neighbor across the street has a puppy. She has a screened-in porch attached to her apartment. She locks the puppy out on the porch on a regular basis, frequently early in the morning. The puppy does not like this and makes its displeasure known. Loudly. My bedroom is in the front of my apartment, facing the street. With my windows open, it's like the puppy is IN THE ROOM WITH ME BARKING AT ME ALL THE TIME.
5) I frickin' hate snakes. I love animals, even the not cute and cuddly ones. I once locked myself in my bathroom with a feral rat until I managed to wrangle it into a humane cage using only an oven mitt and an issue of Rolling Stone (and then drove it to the park and released it). I'm a vegetarian. But, I have an irrational, all-consuming fear of snakes.
6) I am made both nervous and excited by the thought of a zombiepocalypse and my dreams are frequently set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. I also watched the premiere of The Walking Dead yesterday (seriously? that guy was unconscious in a hospital bed for how long and didn't a) die of dehydration or b) poop the bed?).
7) I am not obsessed with pee or catheters, but wondering how someone could lie in a hospital bed for an extended period of time, unattended, and not wake up in a fetid, putrid nest of their own waste (see above) brought catheters to mind.
8) I've been watching the show Party Down and had a conversation with someone the other night about Megan Mullally's character, Lydia.
9) I watch A LOT of TV and movies, clearly.

Without further ado...

So, the beginning of the dream was from the perspective of the character Dexter. He was planning to kill his neighbor, who lets her dog bark constantly in the wee hours of the morning, so he went into this store in the neighborhood to try to surreptitiously get a look at some information on the cashier's computer that would be useful in killing said neighbor. The store turned out to be owned by Jude Law, who totally caught wise to what Dexter was trying to do, but then was like "dude, I was gonna kill her too!" So, they decide to do it together and Jude's like "I have schematics of her building and her apartment and all of this info that will be useful in killing her." They decide that, naturally, the best way to do it is to kill her with a venomous snake, because there are two venomous snakes that are indigenous to the area and people will think it's just a freak accident that she got bitten by a venomous snake in her house and not that she got murdered by her neighbors who were sick of hearing her dog bark.

Cut to the night of the murder and they're trying to climb in her kitchen window, like you do. Dexter goes first, but the window is over the sink and there are some pumpkin decorations along the wall under the window and he hits one with his foot and knocks it over, making a bunch of noise, and then gets stuck in the window. Jude Law is behind him, trying to push him into the window when the neighbor girl comes into the kitchen to see what the noise was, only now, the girl walking into the kitchen IS ME, because Dexter and Jude Law got the wrong house. The part of me that is dreaming this realizes this and wants to explain their mistake to them, but the part of me that's a a character in the dream is like "holy shit, dudes are climbing in my window to murder me!" So, rather than running away, which would have been sensible, I started hitting Dexter with somethng, trying to repel him, and screaming like a maniac.  Jude Law is trying to hit me over Dexter's shoulder (Dexter is still stuck in the window), and then Dexter pulls out the venomous snake, which he had in his coat, and thrusts it at me, holding it by the head. It bites me above my upper lip and then he hits me in the head or something, because I start to lose consciousness as my boyfriend comes in to see what all the ruckus is about. Dexter and Jude Law hear him coming and run away, so he just finds me on the floor, unconscious with a snake bite on my lip.

Cut to me waking up in the ER. Since Dexter and Jude Law ran away before my boyfriend saw them, no one realizes that there were dudes trying to kill me. They think that I was on drugs and OD'ed, which destroyed my gall bladder (but it was really the venom), which necessitated the gall bladder surgery I had apparently had while unconscious. I also have a big herpes-like sore on my upper lip from the snake bite, but no one seems particularly concerned by it. I'm debating whether or not to tell people about Dexter and Jude Law, because I don't want to seem crazy and paranoid, but they're still out there and I don't know if they know that I'm still alive and will be coming to finish the job. I also have a catheter, which is very uncomfortable.

So, then my mom comes to be with me in the hospital and I try to tell her what happened. No one is quite getting what I'm saying, or if they believe me, they don't get that the relevant part is that Dexter and Jude Law may be coming back to kill me. I start freaking out and wanting to leave the hospital, but the nurse, who is Lisa, the aesthetician who does my laser hair removal, says that I have to have more gall bladder surgery and she needs to prep me. I'm terrified of being knocked out again, since no one is addressing my potential impending-murder, so I don't want to have the surgery and start freaking out more. Lisa says that she needs to put another catheter in, but I don't want to let her, so my mom and Lisa start trying to wrestle me down onto the bed. Finally, I'm like "OK, wait, wait I'll let you do it, just let me lie back," but Lisa doesn't let me. She just jabs the catheter in while I'm at a very uncomfortable angle. It hurts like...a forcefully inserted catheter, so I start screaming and then think, "oh well, if I'm going to go crazy screaming patient route, I might as well do it all the way!" So, I start screaming my head off and going completely ballistic. Lisa leaves, and I finally calm down, and my mom is finally starting to believe me, but then a nurse says I have visitors. It's Dexter and Jude Law!!!

I lie down in the hospital bed and we hastily throw the blanket over my head. At first, I try to pretend to be dead, but then realize they'll see me breathing. So, my mom tells them I'm in a coma from the OD and my mom and the nurses and everyone are acting nonchalant, not arresting them or accusing them of trying to murder me. I'm pretending to be in a coma, but lying on my stomach with my tongue lolling out of my head. Then, for some reason, everyone leaves the room, leaving me alone with Dexter and Jude! I'm like "oh crap, they're going to straight murder me," so I spring to life and start screaming for help and flailing my limbs for all I'm worth, hoping that I can startle them and keep them at bay long enough for help to come. Then a nurse - Lydia from Party Down - comes in and starts helping me fight them off. We subdue them and are trying to figure out what to do with them, only now they aren't people and suddenly there are more of them - their accomplices - and they're all fluffy little bunnies and kittens.

I have decided that, since I can't kill bunnies and kittens, they're going to be sent to live in a shelter the rest of their lives, with no escape, like an animal prison, so I start picking them up by the scruff of their necks and stuffing all of them into this one soft cat carrier, but they keep crawling out of the carrier and I keep having to stuff them back in. Then I decide that, since some of them were just accomplices, they may have learned their lesson and might be worth sparing. To decide which should be spared, I pick them up by their scruffs to see if they had knives and weapons strapped to their chest, because the Dexter and Jude kittens had harnesses on their chests containing knives and pliars and hammers and all sorts of effed up stuff that they were going to use to kill me. I pick up one little black kitten thinking that it's probably innocent, but then it has a little wee knife and some other kind of utensil strapped to its chest - the knife was more like a cheese spreader - and I'm like "well, it's to the shelter with you." Then, I picked up a tiny little fluffy grey bunny, and was sad that I was going to have to send it to animal prison, but it was innocent and scared, so I let it go.



There's more to that section of the dream, involving rats and Russians and Robert Downey Jr. and getting even stranger, but I don't remember it as well. Then the dream cuts to a completely different set piece and I'm living in a post-apocalyptic world with just my dad, holed up in a house. He's fortifying the fence around the front yard, but he's taken sections of the fence in front and put them on the side, to make the side higher which then makes the front lower. Sidda, my dog, keeps barking at the people across the street and jumping from the front porch, over the fence, into the street and attacking people. She goes after a little kid and I'm terrified that she hurt him and run after her, screaming at her to stop. I get there and the kid was OK and his family were totally understanding and not mad. They told me that it was good to have an alert, protective dog patrolling the neighborhood for zombies. I was super relieved that my dog hadn't mauled a little kid and that his parents didn't freak out about it. Around this time, my neighbor's incessantly barking dog actually woke me up...

Dexter and Jude Law: murder kittens. This is what's in my brain.

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